Client Admitted to Wharton Business School
A dash of inspiration to bring political transformation in Turkey, a rare spark of intellect as a consultant, and a brilliant academic track record – I will bring a mixed bag of competence and compassion to the elite Wharton classroom. My wide ranging leadership exposures – gaining national attention at a mere age of 8 as a tennis player, ranking in the top 100 amidst 2 million students in Turkey in high school entrance, extensive experience to work with government ministers, civil servants, consultants and leading various social projects in Turkey – my life has always been “a plate too full with activities”. An undying advocate for civil liberties, a tennis coach, and President of the ABC Think Tank – I have donned numerous hats seamlessly. And finally a leader of the mass to protest against government atrocities, a protestor in the streets of Istanbul facing police tear gas with mask at the Taksim Gezi Park – an incident that was the headline at CNN and BBC for nearly two weeks, a young man with a political foundation in his quest to form a strong political party in Turkey – my life been a saga of numerous up’s and down’s. All the above experience have shaped my heart and soul and have taught me life-long lessons that is difficult to articulate in just 500 words.
Firebrand revolutionary, mass leader, social thinker, consultants who always over deliver, a keen listener and a serious man with burning desire to change the course of history – all these are the phrases that others have always used to describe me. I am sure my classmates and faculties will add to these ever-growing list of adjectives after interacting with me for 2 years. At Wharton, I intend to shape not only my vision but also the learning environment of the Wharton community. I will listen, critique, argue, frame, challenge and be challenged…..I will unite diverse perspectives into unified themes. From actively participating in various social forums and clubs to influencing class discussions on case studies, I will leave my mark on the Wharton community.
Having some of the best forums under one umbrella, Wharton offers a basket of opportunities for me to pick and and contribute. My experience as the President of ABC Think Tank will help me to offer perspectives to students on Impact Investing in the Wharton Social Venture Fund. I will take leadership role in the the Wharton Community Consulting. I will share the problems and issues faced in managing a non-profit and sharpen the skills of other student volunteers. Finally, I will spearhead crucial initiatives at the Wharton International Volunteer Program and lead consulting projects to benefit various third world countries.
Just as a river brings rocks and pebbles from the height of the mountain that ultimately forms the valley, I also intend to bring my multi-coloured experiences and knowledge with me that will shape the learning atmosphere of entire Wharton community significantly!
Before June 2013, I was a kind of person who focused mostly on his career. If somebody had asked me this question, my answer would probably different from the answer that I am giving you right now. Now there is only two week to admissions and I have just started to writing, if I could be the person before June 2013, my essay probably would be ready at least two months before admissions. But, lots of things have changed at not only me but also at my country. Thus, I want to express all my feelings honestly.
I’m living at a county that is leading by a dictator leader who restricts all of his citizens’ right starting from number of kids they should have to how they should walk around the parks. He is not only restricting people lives, but also ruining environment of our country by destroying all parks and forests to make new shopping malls or new apartments by his advocates’ firms. Last June after he explained that he will make a shopping mall to TaksimGezi Park, all people lose their patience after 12th years and started to protest the PM. Protests were including people from all kind of political view, all ages and cities. They were resisting not only for the park but also for their country and their way of life. I was there too with my gas mask and chemical mixture that protects me from tear gas of police just to left a peaceful and green country for next generations. PM did not stepped back from his decision thus so many people lost their lives or injured by police, but we did not give up until taking GeziParkı project to court that decided to pause the execution of construction. That was the good news but people wanted to change the system itself because there was no alternative political party to hang on, but there was no solution but complaining. Those desperate days, I was trying to find a way for change and I met with couple of people on the social media who thinks just like I do, they were from all around the word including USA, Canada and England etc. Solution is certain, there should be a strong political party that covers different kind of political view to be the voice of citizens. So we started to lay a foundation of our association that is way of being a political party. To accomplish our purposes, we need to become powerful to be taken into consideration with so many followers and advocates to convince all little political parties for integration. Thus, we are communicating with people of highest chairs to take their support but of course it requires a strong network.
My vast experience in consulting will help me to contribute to Wharton. I have worked in various domains such as power, agriculture, food processing etc and I want to help my peers to understand these industries. I am interested to participate in the Wharton Social Venture Fund and leverage my experience in impact investment to make a contribution. As a consultant, I am naturally interested to participate in the Wharton Consulting Community. I will participate in the Wharton International Volunteer Program and solve business challenge in other countries.
If you are a serious applicant, you would do well to review both the client’s basic draft and the final essay I created after elaborate brainstorming and 3 rounds of meticulous editing. Compare the introduction, conclusion and the overall flow of ideas between the two.
Brainstorming with this client helped me to identify areas in which I can provide useful insights in my capacity as a strategy consultant for over a decade. As an admission consultant, I work with numerous applicants and helped the client understand what other applicants generally write and how he must differentiate himself from others. Based on my advice, he avoided the commonplace things and came up with something that was both original and refreshing. Repeated editing helped me narrate his story in a far more effective and convincing manner than would otherwise have been possible. I was able to showcase his maturity and story-telling abilities.
In the end, my partnership with this applicant turned out to be fruitful as he was admitted into Wharton.
You don’t need to take a rigorous course in English composition in order to be able to write better essays. You can do that with the knowledge of English you already possess, provided that you follow a few basic guidelines. It goes without saying that it is not enough to simply read through these guidelines – you need to put them into practice for some time before they become second nature to you.
Here are some simple editing tips to make your essays both more attractive and more effective:
Many candidates try to impress by using complicated sentence structures and bombastic language. However, this generally has the opposite effect – it makes the candidates seem pretentious, and the extra words they employ merely take up vital space they could have used to include an additional point in their essays. Look at the following sentences:
My speech was met with such approbation by the audience that it took me completely aback.
I was surprised by how well the audience received my speech.
The second sentence says the same thing as the first. However, it is both simpler and shorter. As an applicant, your aim should be to express yourself clearly and concisely, rather than to try to bowl over the adcom with your vocabulary. The tendency to use unfamiliar words often leads to inappropriate word usage known as malapropisms, such as in the sentence “I have a photogenic memory,” where the intended word is “photographic” and not “photogenic.”
Supposing, speaking about your free-time activities, you say, “I regularly do pranayama, as well as suryanamaskar, sarvangaasana, and sirsana,” how many people will understand you? Maybe you have grown up in an environment where these are everyday words, but you have no right to assume that the adcom will know what you are talking about, and therefore it would make much more sense to say, “I regularly do yoga postures and breath-control exercises for my health.”
This applies as well to technical jargon related to your field of expertise. Imagine your reader is the man in the street, and put yourself across in layman’s language.
There are words, of course, you can’t avoid repeating –like articles and prepositions – but if the word “nice” appears four times in your essay, you better do something about it. Depending on the context, maybe you could say “attractive” the second time, “pleasant” the third time, and “enjoyable” on the fourth occasion. Similarly, “innovative” can also be “creative” or “out-of-the-box” or “novel,” and “also” can be replaced by words like “moreover” and “additionally.”
Repeating a word dilutes its impact, and gives the impression that you have a restricted vocabulary.
Candidates sometimes prefix a statement with expressions like “People say that…” or “It has been mentioned that…” or “Critics claim that…” Such words – which are called “weasel words” – pretend to communicate something meaningful, when in actual fact they are vague, and can be misleading.
Who are the “people” who are saying whatever they are saying? By whom has it “been mentioned”? Who are the “critics” who are making the claim? If you wish to bring them in, you had better specify the persons concerned; otherwise, eliminate such references altogether.
As long stretches of prose can dissuade the reader from reading on, it is advisable to use multiple short paragraphs rather than a long one. Also, to ascertain that your essay is easy on the eye, leave a space between paragraphs.
As with life itself, how you manage the little things can make a substantial difference. A well-edited essay gives you a much stronger chance of making it stand out from among the hundreds of other compositions the adcom will be examining.
Often, the same thing can be said in a positive or negative way. A classical case of this is with regards to a glass of water with water in it up to its middle. Is it half full or half empty? Whichever of the two expressions you use, you are basically saying the same thing, and yet you are not! When you say it is half full, you are also saying that you look at life positively; and the person who says it is half empty merely reveals his negative attitude to life. Since your attitude is an important part of your mental equipment, you will want to give adcoms the impression that you are well endowed in this respect. It is not only that the whole world loves optimistic people, but being optimistic gives you a zest and a relish for work that be contagious, and that any organization will treasure.
Therefore, think positively, and you will automatically come up with positive expressions. Rather than state, “I’ll feel terrible if I don’t take lunch,” it sounds much more pleasant if you say, “I’ll feel more alert and refreshed if I take lunch.”
Let’s take a look at the paragraph below:
I took up law in college. That is when my troubles began. I developed a hatred for all the reading that I had to do. I found it a veritable torture to go through books and lengthy articles. My concentration began to suffer. I flunked the first year exam. I therefore decided to drop out of the course.
The paragraph consists of seven short sentences that are similar to one another in length and structure. The effect it creates is monotony. If an entire essay is written in this style, you can hardly blame the reader if he goes to sleep mid-way. By varying the length and structure of the sentences, you can make the same content much more readable, as in the following version:
I took up law in college, but that is when my troubles began. I developed a hatred for all the reading I had to do, and I found it a veritable torture to go through books and lengthy articles. My concentration began to suffer. When I flunked the first year exams, I decided to drop out of the course altogether.
Sentences in the active voice are more dynamic, direct, and less wordy, than those in the passive. Hence, they read better, and they make their point more sharply, as in the example below:
Passive: This mammoth exercise was very well handled by Vimal, who showed tremendous maturity.
Active: Vimal handled this mammoth exercise with tremendous skill and maturity.
You must be careful, however, not to dismiss the passive voice in toto. It has its legitimate uses. For instance, when you don’t want to assign specific responsibility for a problem, that is, you don’t want to name anyone, the passive voice can come in handy. Saying “Errors were committed” is a diplomatic way of acknowledging mistakes without blaming anyone in particular.
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